Disappointment and Vegan Food

We have all been disappointed.  Disappointed in people, situations, outcomes, your meal at the new vegan restaurant.  We've all been there.  Last week I was served a particularly strong dose of disappointment and the taste is still lingering.  I put myself out there with this writing thing.  I was hopeful, anxious and said a little prayer that someone might be interested.   After initial signs of promise, I was rejected.  They weren't interested.  I was told 'maybe next time' (sigh).

My first raw reaction was anger.  I was angry I wasn't given the opportunity and angry I wasn't chosen.  I was angry for not being good enough and angry I had gotten my hopes up in the first place.  After reading the 'maybe next time' email, anger filling my being, I sat down with my littles to have lunch.  I held back the tears that were trying to fight their way to the surface as I heaped more raspberries onto Luke and Lily's plates.  I held back more tears as I wiped their sweet little faces and cuddled them before nap time.  My babes had no idea what I was going through in those hours leading up to nap time, but it is something they will understand one day.  They will face disappointment. This realization came to me in a swift, hard moment.  They will feel this pain, they absolutely will.  

Goodness, Mommas...can I be honest?  I don't want Luke and Lily to ever have this feeling.  Ever.  Right now in their sweet little lives, their biggest disappointment is not getting a cookie after dinner.  #cuethemeltown  This phase is so precious, so innocent, but I know it is a season.  Someday, not too long from now, they might not make the team or a friend might betray them or they might be told 'maybe next time'.  As much as I want to protect them from this, to shield them from the many disappointments of the world, I know I can't and I shouldn't.  You see, God is using this.  He is using this disappointment right now and working in me.  He knew this was going to happen and there is a much bigger plan that I can’t even comprehend or am even aware of.   If this 'maybe next time' disappointment never happened, there is something else I would be ill-equipped to handle in the future.  The same goes for my sweet littles.  As much as it pains me to think of them being disappointed, I know that they will be. God will use it to mold them, shape them, and make them the people He wants them to be.  A recurring pattern throughout Christianity is a falling followed by a much greater rising; having faith in the Rising creates a will of perseverance.

As I contemplate moving forward, another 'd' word comes to mind: Determination. This little setback could cripple me, give me an excuse to stop writing and conclude I'm not good enough.

That is a lie and I refuse to believe it.

I am choosing to be determined...to work harder, learn more, and to keep pursuing this writing thing.  Because, honestly, truly, it doesn't matter if the only person who reads my blog is my mom.  (Love you, Mom!)

In Anne Lamott's book Bird by Bird - Some Instructions about Writing and Life she writes, 'I tell them they'll want to be really good right off, and they may not be, but they might be good someday if they just keep the faith and keep practicing.  And they may even go from wanting to have written something to just wanting to be writing, wanting to be working on something, like they'd want to be playing piano or tennis, because writing brings with it so much joy, so much challenge.  It is work and play together.'

I am writing because I love to write.  I am writing because God has put it on my heart.  And if He is giving me the green light, I know He will use this in someone's life, somewhere, even if it's mine.  Also, if my writing is inspired by devotion to Him, I need to continually remind myself my focus needs to be on my reverence for writing and my reverence for Him, not on the results. This is REALLY hard to do for a control- and outcome-oriented person; to pour yourself into something while maintaining composure if and when it leaks out. But if this is a weakness of mine, I know God is using this as part of His perfect plan for me.

I believe I am on the other side of this disappointment.  I am over the anger. I am over the sting and the (can I be honest?) embarrassment.  As I sit outside with the sun shining on my face, a slight breeze blowing, my sweet littles sleeping peacefully inside (praise God for naps), I just want to write. I just want to do this thing that I love.  Whether I am good or not is yet to be determined, but, BUT, I am okay with either outcome.  I am okay because I am doing what I love and I am not quitting simply because someone said 'maybe next time'.  

When ‘someday’ comes and my Luke faces a big disappointment, I want to be one of the people picking him him, telling him he is good enough.  I want to encourage him to do what he loves, despite what anyone else says.  I want to give him hope to move forward, to work harder, to learn more, and to keep going.  I want him to know that God is the ultimate planner and works all things for His good.  I want him to know that God has it all worked out and he needn't worry about the disappointment, just what he needs to do moving forward.  I want him to be determined after a disappointment.  And maybe, just maybe, over a good plate of vegan food, I will be able to share this story with him and tell him how disappointment is really a gift.  It means you tried, you put yourself out there, and ultimately, you were brave.  

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."  -Martin Luther King, Jr.