Have you been there? Stuck in a cycle of overwhelm in the midst of a big or small or somewhere in-between decision? Have you made lists, talked with friends, prayed with friends, discussed it with your husband until he tries really hard not to roll his eyes after the tenth conversation in seven days.
I am there. Here. In the midst of a decision. Many decisions really. And I want to throw my hands up in the air and tell some random person at Target my story and have her make a decision for me. I am stuck.
My decision(s) stem from our kids, our life, and our desire to homeschool. As Luke begins kindergarten this coming fall, a transition will occur whether we are ready for it or not. Decisions need to be made about all kinds of things. What curriculum do we use? Can we still attend two different MOPS groups? Are playdates still feasible? When will we do school during the day? How do I connect Luke with other children? Do I need to join a homeschool group? What will it look like to instruct Luke with two other littles running under my feet?
At the moment, my answer to all of these questions is: I don't know. And I don't. I am in the middle ground of weighing options, making lists, my brain constantly going through what we could or should do. I am frustrated with the not knowing. The waiting. The considering part. Why? Because the unknown is big and kinda scary and illusive. And my brain is tired. I have been spinning circles and I'm ready to just lie down and put my feet up. Figuratively and literally.
As I sit in the space of the 'I don't know' of ruminating, I am searching for some kind of peace here. Granted, I have not found it yet, but I'm slowly moving in that direction. I'm trying to really believe it's part of the process. I'm trying to make myself be in the 'I don't know' and not move too quickly through the hard, unsettling parts of decision making. The contemplation part of the decision making process is vital to good decisions. Yes? I think so.
I have my husband in my corner, listening to my words. I have my girls in my corner nodding their heads and putting their hands on me to pray for clarity and peace and...answers.
In time, I know God is going to help me with all the answers to all my questions. I know He is going to show up and help me decide. I am praying for his gentle hand to guide me down the right path. I know it's coming. I just need to take a deep breath and sit in the waiting. Think, consider, discuss, pray. And wait. My song and my heartbeat at the moment.
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