"I'm sorry, Mommy."

Monday night my phone turned off and wouldn't turn back on.  It happened about midnight and I know this because my white noise app turned off, which woke this pregnant momma right up.  

Like most Americans, my phone is pretty much a lifeline or an extra appendage. I didn't feel safe not being able to communicate with anyone.  Whether or not this is logical, I'm not sure, but it is exactly how I felt.

So, literally five hours later, I woke up, got my kids ready and headed into town to the Apple store in hopes of getting my phone up and running again.  As I pulled up to the store, there was a line of about twenty people out the door waiting to get inside as soon as it opened.  I zipped my kids into their coats and quickly walked to join the crowd.  The nice man who was taking names told me it would be about an hour wait.  We walked and picked up a snack and headed back to the Apple Store because we had no phone for them to contact us when they were ready for us.  

Guys...I sat with my two littles in the Apple Store for 45 minutes until our name came up on their little iPad, with only muffins and my own not-full-of-energy self to entertain my full-of-energy children.  We ate, people-watched, and made about the biggest mess the Apple Store has ever seen.  Bless their hearts, the Apple employees were so kind and many of them came over to chat with the kids.

At one point I was holding Lily as Luke was attempting to jump on me, as well as trying to speak to Nate, the Apple guy and the Verizon customer service person on the phone.  I'm pretty sure people thought I was a crazy person.  And honestly, I thought I was a crazy person.  I hit a breaking point and had to hide my face and take some deep breaths to keep the tears from falling.  Call it hormones or stress or whatever, but it was embarrassing and tough and just a wee bit humbling.

Finally, it was decided I needed a new phone and another 45 minutes later there lie thirty wipes on the table from Lily 'changing diapers' and Luke made about fifty laps around the store, touching something whenever he thought I wasn't looking.  I walked out with a phone that worked and a heightened awareness of how hard this mothering thing can be some days.  I realized I am not able to do this all on my own.  Sometimes I believe that I can 'do it all' without any help.  I believe I can 'mother' my children; keep them fed, clothed, happy and not a major distraction to others, all while keeping up with the daily tasks of this life.  This is obviously not true and I do need help.  Help from others and help and a heaping bowl full of grace from God. 

Yesterday I left the Apple Store exhausted, spent, and needing the grace and love of God.  I drove silently to the Children's Museum, a reward for my babes not completely sending me to the psych ward.  It took me most of yesterday to process and recover from those two hours and I'm glad I took the time to think about it.

As I prayed and processed, I had an epiphany that those two hours really didn't matter.  Yes, I may be spent and exhausted and in need of grace.  But, can I be honest?  That is pretty much my tag line these days.  My kids didn't even think twice about yesterday and they probably definitely won't remember it.  I need to remember that those moments, those hard days when I think I've come to my limits, God has more for me.  He gives me the ability and the strength to power through those times and loves me through it all.  He shows up even when I want to hide in a corner with my broken phone and muffins.  He holds my hand as I hold my babies' hands.  He is always by my side and gives me the help I am in desperate need of.

I am pretty sure I will try really hard to never go to the Apple Store alone with two small children again.  Lesson learned.  But, there was a sweet moment right after we left the store that will forever be embedded in my mind.  I was loading the kids into the backseat and Luke looked at me, cocked his head a bit and asked me if I was sad.  Usually he asks me if I am happy and my reply is almost always yes, because I am.  This boy of mine noticed something different in me.  I told him Mommy was just tired and a little sad and that kid said, in the most sincere voice, "I'm sorry, Mommy."  That made my insides go to mush and I felt a bit of guilt for him having to say sorry to me, but then I realized that I am doing my best to raise a kind boy and those three heartfelt words were so very, very kind. 

Mommas, you are doing good work.  In those hard moments, on the hard days, remember we all have them.  We all need help and grace raising our babies and that is exactly why God sent His only son to earth so He can be with us always. He is with you...in the good, glorious "I'm sorry, Mommy" moments and in the embarrassing, humbling, being a hot mess at the Apple Store moments.  You've got this...with God's help.

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