Everyday a Look

Lily looked at me the other day and I promise she looked different than every other day I have looked at her.  She looked more like her grandma, less like the baby face I have imprinted in my mind for all eternity.  I literally had to stop and take it in and pull her face to mine to get a better look.  Yes, she looks different.  More like a toddler.  Less like an infant.  More like her grandma.  Less like, well, what she used to look like.  More like a girl who is changing and growing everyday.  Less like the baby I want to be able to hold in my arms forever.

Time is ticking...all the time.  It passes us while we shower, make dinner, gaze out the window as the snow falls.  It is fleeting and finite and always less.  The time with my babies doesn't seem to be enough and yet at times it's too much.  

But, as I looked at my little girl, maybe my only little girl, I couldn't help but be astounded by the amount of growing up she has done in such a short amount of time.  I am simply in awe of the changes that have taken place in the seconds, minutes, hours, and days that make up her life.  I honestly can't remember what she looked like on day 89 of her life or on day 467.  Isn't that funny how we forget so quickly? 

So, from today forward I am going to try and look, really look, at Luke and Lily every single day.  Not glance, not talk to them while doing the dishes or looking at my phone.  No.  I am going to look into their sweet faces everyday because tomorrow they will be a day older and could potentially look a whole lot different than today.  Time does that...it changes us and I don't want to miss out on a day of enjoying and savoring the faces of the ones I call mine.

"I'm sorry, Mommy."

Monday night my phone turned off and wouldn't turn back on.  It happened about midnight and I know this because my white noise app turned off, which woke this pregnant momma right up.  

Like most Americans, my phone is pretty much a lifeline or an extra appendage. I didn't feel safe not being able to communicate with anyone.  Whether or not this is logical, I'm not sure, but it is exactly how I felt.

So, literally five hours later, I woke up, got my kids ready and headed into town to the Apple store in hopes of getting my phone up and running again.  As I pulled up to the store, there was a line of about twenty people out the door waiting to get inside as soon as it opened.  I zipped my kids into their coats and quickly walked to join the crowd.  The nice man who was taking names told me it would be about an hour wait.  We walked and picked up a snack and headed back to the Apple Store because we had no phone for them to contact us when they were ready for us.  

Guys...I sat with my two littles in the Apple Store for 45 minutes until our name came up on their little iPad, with only muffins and my own not-full-of-energy self to entertain my full-of-energy children.  We ate, people-watched, and made about the biggest mess the Apple Store has ever seen.  Bless their hearts, the Apple employees were so kind and many of them came over to chat with the kids.

At one point I was holding Lily as Luke was attempting to jump on me, as well as trying to speak to Nate, the Apple guy and the Verizon customer service person on the phone.  I'm pretty sure people thought I was a crazy person.  And honestly, I thought I was a crazy person.  I hit a breaking point and had to hide my face and take some deep breaths to keep the tears from falling.  Call it hormones or stress or whatever, but it was embarrassing and tough and just a wee bit humbling.

Finally, it was decided I needed a new phone and another 45 minutes later there lie thirty wipes on the table from Lily 'changing diapers' and Luke made about fifty laps around the store, touching something whenever he thought I wasn't looking.  I walked out with a phone that worked and a heightened awareness of how hard this mothering thing can be some days.  I realized I am not able to do this all on my own.  Sometimes I believe that I can 'do it all' without any help.  I believe I can 'mother' my children; keep them fed, clothed, happy and not a major distraction to others, all while keeping up with the daily tasks of this life.  This is obviously not true and I do need help.  Help from others and help and a heaping bowl full of grace from God. 

Yesterday I left the Apple Store exhausted, spent, and needing the grace and love of God.  I drove silently to the Children's Museum, a reward for my babes not completely sending me to the psych ward.  It took me most of yesterday to process and recover from those two hours and I'm glad I took the time to think about it.

As I prayed and processed, I had an epiphany that those two hours really didn't matter.  Yes, I may be spent and exhausted and in need of grace.  But, can I be honest?  That is pretty much my tag line these days.  My kids didn't even think twice about yesterday and they probably definitely won't remember it.  I need to remember that those moments, those hard days when I think I've come to my limits, God has more for me.  He gives me the ability and the strength to power through those times and loves me through it all.  He shows up even when I want to hide in a corner with my broken phone and muffins.  He holds my hand as I hold my babies' hands.  He is always by my side and gives me the help I am in desperate need of.

I am pretty sure I will try really hard to never go to the Apple Store alone with two small children again.  Lesson learned.  But, there was a sweet moment right after we left the store that will forever be embedded in my mind.  I was loading the kids into the backseat and Luke looked at me, cocked his head a bit and asked me if I was sad.  Usually he asks me if I am happy and my reply is almost always yes, because I am.  This boy of mine noticed something different in me.  I told him Mommy was just tired and a little sad and that kid said, in the most sincere voice, "I'm sorry, Mommy."  That made my insides go to mush and I felt a bit of guilt for him having to say sorry to me, but then I realized that I am doing my best to raise a kind boy and those three heartfelt words were so very, very kind. 

Mommas, you are doing good work.  In those hard moments, on the hard days, remember we all have them.  We all need help and grace raising our babies and that is exactly why God sent His only son to earth so He can be with us always. He is with you...in the good, glorious "I'm sorry, Mommy" moments and in the embarrassing, humbling, being a hot mess at the Apple Store moments.  You've got this...with God's help.

Band called 'Def'

I am wiping down counters after a messy meal of broccoli, chicken and rice. The rough crumbs and sticky rice are now absent from the counters that just minutes ago, had been smattered with them.

It's my regular night time routine and as I am finishing up, I hear 'greater is the one living inside of me...' as well as a host of musical instruments playing from Kevin and I's bedroom.  I walk down the hallway, a little weary from the full day and a little interested to see what I am going to discover as the music gets louder and louder.  As my feet hit the carpet in the bedroom, the singing continues and I see Luke, Lily, and Kevin laying on the bed singing their hearts out while playing the triangle, the moroccos, and the homemade corn shakers.  They switch from 'Greater' by Mercy Me to 'God's Not Dead' by the Newsboys.  In a 'quiet' moment, in which Lily is still playing an instrument, Kevin yells at me from across the room, "We are the band called Def".

  

I giggle as I start to wash my face and prompted by Luke, I join in on the singing.  Kevin is belting out the tunes as loud as anyone and, bless his heart, he could possibly be tone deaf.  The kids don't care and neither do I. Lily is smiling ear to ear, red hair in her eyes (as is normal), with her leggings and tutu covering her bottom half while only a purple beaded necklace covers her top (which also is normal).  She switches back and forth from playing the triangle to playing with her babies as Luke continues the serious singing and playing of every musical instrument we own.

As I finish washing my face, the singing gets louder as Luke decides to sing his own songs.  As each of these new songs end, we all clap furiously and shout 'YAY', as does Luke.  He sings the lyrics to 'Farmer in the Dell' somewhat correctly, then continues on with 'Stop in the name of the LORD...'.  For those of you not familiar with The Supremes, 'Stop in the name of LOVE' was one of their hits released in 1965 that gets sung maybe a little too often around here.  Luke has replaced the word 'love' with 'Lord', which makes total sense.

This was a movie moment for our little family.  It emulated a college student's reckless abandon on karaoke night and a child's joy when he gets his first lick of ice cream and a childhood memory that brings all the feelings of home and family and love to the surface.  Those ten minutes were some of my best minutes as a mom.  They were some of the best minutes of my life.

Mostly because those minutes made a precious memory for Kevin and I and our family of four.  But also for another reason.  Getting the chance to witness Kevin interact with our kids that way just makes my heart want to explode.  The love he has for them and our family is irreplaceable and I can't help but think how truly blessed and lucky and privileged Luke, Lily, and I are that he is our's.

So, I am making a promise to myself to stop and watch and listen and interact and notice those moments.  I almost thought about cleaning up the rest of the kitchen and then finding out what all the ruckus was about, but I would have missed it.  I would have missed it all.  

I want to remember to stop and not just be a witness, but a participant in my family's minutes and memories.

Those ten minutes will be with me now and tomorrow and probably when my kids are grown and I can no longer remember much else.  Because those minutes, they were some of the best.  

Sleeping babes

Kevin whispers from the hall, 'you have to see this' as I am sprawled out on the couch, trying to catch a quick snooze before my babes are up and the house turns from a quiet retreat to a loud, messy playground.  Reluctantly, I rise and walk towards the hallway.  He has Luke's door opened and is taking a picture.  I walk in and see my sweet boy snuggled up, still dreaming away, with his two new trucks...on his face.  Yes, trucks, on his face.

Just hours before, he picked out those trucks at the Iowa State Fair and brought them home, treasures that he wasn't willing to part with at nap time. He loved them so much, they were granted a special spot right on his face where he wouldn't be even an inch away from them.

I am so glad I pulled myself off the couch and was able to watch my firstborn sleep peacefully for a few moments.  It's not often I get the opportunity to gaze at him when he sleeps, as he puts himself to sleep on his own and almost never falls asleep at random times or in random places.  

It's such a gift, watching a child sleep.  It reminds me of the soft, gentle spirit that lives inside that little body that is breathing deeply, eyes closed and legs curled up in a ball.  I believe it's one of God's most simple, powerful, moving gifts to parents everywhere.  It reminds us that these wild, unpredictable, sometimes frustrating children are also sweet and beautiful and lovely and good, so very good.

  

As I stood there watching him sleep with those ridiculous trucks on his face, I silently thanked God for allowing me to experience the simple, deep joy of watching my sweet baby boy toddler rest his body and soul.  Sleeping babies simply are the best.

Goggles

It has been one of those great days.  I actually dragged myself out of bed on time, I remembered everything I needed to drop the kids off at Grandma's house, and Kevin and I drove away to the city to his Lasik eye surgery.  

Kevin is one of those guys who doesn't like a lot of fuss, so he told me to please leave the surgery center while he is getting it done and go have some time for myself.  Yes, please...and thank you.  I drive straight to Home Goods, a stop I have been wanting to make for ages, but have put off because there are just too many things my littles can break in that store.  I wander through every aisle.  I touch things, pick up things, and don't have to give out seventeen snacks in the process.  

I wish I could go back and tell my twenty-something self to enjoy shopping alone.  Someday, you will dream of it...

Back to my dreamy morning.  After Home Goods, I head into Marshall's and then, of course, Target.  I had a glorious time and made it back to the surgery center just in time to see Kevin finishing up behind a glass wall.

He comes out, goggles on and a bit wobbly, but he says he is doing okay.  I drive him home and he rests most of the time.  I drop him off at home before I pick up the kids.  He is needing to be in a quiet, dark place for awhile and that just won't happen with our kids anywhere in a thirty foot vicinity of him. So, what does he do?  Obviously, he hides in the basement. 

I get him settled and then head to pick up our littles.  After they are down for naps at our place, I settle into my afternoon routine...picking up, doing a few chores, laundry, and blogging.  I check on Kevin every half hour or so, and he is all nestled into the dark room in our basement and doing fine.

The clock strikes 4:30 and nap time has come to an end.  I get Luke up and we cuddle on the couch for awhile.  He then cuddles with Daddy.  Kevin has to wear some protective goggles for 24 hours and this seems to entertain Luke.

I get Lily up and snuggle with her in the chair in her room. Kevin comes in with his goggles on and she looks at him with utter amazement.  She reaches for him, he walks over and she rests her little head on his shoulder, willing herself to be with him, on top of him.  They stay like that for a few minutes - her body sitting on the chair, but wanting to be with Kevin.  Kevin and I both sneak looks at each other, both of us in awe of this gesture. 

Lily is not a Daddy's girl at this point.  She prefers Momma just as Luke prefers Dad.  This sweet moment was special for both Kevin and I, as he is working so hard to build a deep, meaningful relationship with her.  

The rest of the night unfolds just like those few minutes on the chair.  She is all about Daddy and his goggles and his hugs and kisses.  She wants to be beside him, she wants him to hold her, she wants him to cuddle her on the couch.  

Those magic goggles have given me a glimpse into the future of these two. Since that night, she does not withhold hugs or kisses from Kevin, but gives them freely and without reservation.  She openly runs to him and gives him kisses through the gate.  She says 'Daddy' with such awe and reverence and love, that it makes my heart beat a bit faster.  

I am so looking forward to watching this Daddy and daughter relationship grow and thrive and flourish and become what God intended it to be: strong and honest and real. 

Before the sun comes up

I wake out of a dead sleep.  Lily is crying and yelling, ‘Momma, Momma’ over and over again.  I roll over out of bed and take the fifteen steps to her bedroom.  I open the door, walk in as she is still sniffling ‘Momma’ and pick her up into my arms.  She clutches me tight, like a starfish clings to a rock.  Her legs wrap around my middle and her arms grasp my neck.  Her breathing is quick at first and then slows as I sit down in the cushy rocking chair and rock back and forth back and forth back and forth.  

I am awake, but barely and my eyes and mind wander to sleep as I rock my baby girl.  As I abruptly come out of my slumber, Lily is calmly sleeping in my arms, her breaths deep and slow and perfect.  I thank God for her breath, for this sleeping girl in my arms.  I thank God that I get to rock her like this and that I get the chance to be her mom, even at 4:00 in the morning. 

A child waking in the middle of the night is tough.  I don’t have an infant so I’m not getting up every two hours right now.  That is really really tough, a venti-doubleshot-latte-every-hour-tough.  But, I can speak to my 20 month old toddler getting up every once in awhile for some cuddles.  These moments, the ones that happen unexpectedly, without warning, might make me weary, but they are oh so sweet all at once.

I know in ten years I will wish for these before-the-sun-comes-up cuddles and pray for just one minute of my little girl clutching me tight.  I can’t do anything about time running out on these toddler years, but I can thank God for these moments and try to really, truly experience each and every second she’s here in my arms. 

Lazy eyelids

Kevin just stretched out on the couch, Luke laying on his chest.  Luke is waking up from his nap.  Kevin covers them both with a fuzzy blanket.  I say hey to Luke, touch his face, and give him a kiss on the cheek.  He looks at me with a glazed over look and I know instantly he is still not fully awake.  I watch him in his Daddy's arms.  He is staring past me and then slowly, slowly, slowly his eyelids start to drop.  He attempts to keep them open, but suddenly fails and they fall shut.  I sit there, watching him, mesmerized by my sleeping not-so-baby-boy.  He is absolutely perfect in this moment.  Round cheeks, fingers in his mouth, eyes closed, mind and body quiet.  

I watch him for two or three minutes and his eyes flutter open again.  He is back...kind of.  He looks past me again as I caress his cheek with my thumb and then his sleepiness wins one more time as he closes his eyes and rests once more.  Finally, it is time for him to get up, so I whisper his name as Kevin cuddles him close in his arms.  He opens his eyes, but I can tell he wants to close them like before.  I talk to him and ask him about his dreams.  Talking isn't his favorite thing when he wakes up, but he needs to come alive from his nap and greet the afternoon.  He finally keeps his eyes open longer than three minutes and begins to show signs of life.

My sweet firstborn son is growing up from a toddler to a little boy.  Some days I long for him to get bigger and able to do more things.  But that time on the couch, Luke in his Daddy's arms...I'm pretty sure I could handle him staying just like that forever and always.  It's okay if you stay this way just awhile longer my little Luke.

I love you.

Luke is calling my name from his room, 'Momma!'  I just put him down for his nap and am racing around putting laundry away and picking up the kitchen.  His 'Momma!' sounds a bit different than his usual stalling antics, so I open his door to peek in at him.  He is laying on his back, smile on his face as soon as I open the door.  He knows he has won, he dared me to open the door and I complied.  

I walk the two steps to his bed and crawl in beside him.  I snuggle my nose into his neck and I can feel his breath on my forehead and a smile on his face. We lay together for a few minutes and then, in an almost inaudible whisper he says, 'I love you.'  My mommy heart jumps and leaps and wants to laugh and cry and shout all at the same time.  This might be the most pleasant thing these ears can hear in this moment.  

I whisper back 'I love you' and I can feel his mouth and eyes smile against me. He whispers again, 'I love you' and giggles.  We repeat this simple phrase back and forth back and forth until he is giggling uncontrollably.  I can't help but giggle with him and feel such immense joy all at the same time.

This boy of mine, he loves me.  I feel like a fourteen year old school girl frantic with happiness that the crush of a lifetime smiled at her in the hallway.  I feel like a teenage boy who just successfully held his girlfriend's hand for the first time at the movies.  Although I know my Luke loves me, hearing him say it over and over again makes it feel real and tangible and genuine. 

He probably won't remember this moment when he is sixteen or twenty or thirty-three or even tomorrow, but you can believe that I will be remembering for him, telling him over and over about that moment when he made his mom's world stop, just for a few moments at nap time, and made the world a much brighter, lovelier, beautiful place because he said those unforgettable words, 'I love you.'

Interrupted

I am lying on the couch with Lily in my arms.  She looks up at me from beneath her fiery red bangs with eyes that scream 'I feel like I just got hit by a truck'.  Her shirt is wet from saliva and snot and is damp enough to stick to her body.  She tries to raise her head up to look around, but thinks better of it and lies back down, safe and cozy and comfortable on my chest.  There are a pile of books on the floor where we read earlier, dirty dishes from breakfast scattered on the counter, and  ingredients for muffins I thought about starting earlier in the morning.  We snuggle together for an hour or so, until it's time to go pick up Luke from Grandma's house. 

All mommas out there know that when a toddler gets sicks, the little bubble that is your world stops and survival mode instantly comes into play. Playdates are cancelled.  Leftovers are eaten for the third day in a row. Laundry piles up.  The everyday routine is interrupted and pushed aside, if just for a day or two.  

When a little gets a fever or a cold or the flu, it requires extra work and time and patience from everyone.  The child is feeling rundown and just plain awful and the parents are tired from late night rocking and the clean up that comes from the messiness of a toddler sickness.

As Lily and I cuddled together on the couch this week, to my surprise, I wasn't thinking about the laundry that needed to be folded or the dishes on the counter.  My type A personality was trying hard to shout at me to stop wasting time and get up and do something, but I decided Lily was much more important that a clean house or fancy muffins.  I tried really hard to tune out my home and focus on my girl.  This little human needed me: my body to hold her tight, my words to reassure her, and my mind to think of what she might need at any given moment.  

I was all her's in that hour on the couch and it's something I know I will never, ever regret.

Road Trip Memories

Little feet pitter pattering across the carpet, giggles erupting from the small, apartment style kitchen, Kevin singing, "Where are they?"  These are the sounds I heard as I was washing my face this week in our hotel room in Denver. I look into the kitchen that is right across from the bathroom, suds on my face and hands, and Luke and Lily are standing there, 'hiding', big smiles across their faces, anticipating Kevin coming around the corner any second.

Luke couldn't help himself, he starts laughing uncontrollably before Kevin peeks his head around the corner to 'find' them.  Luke and Lily come bursting from the kitchen into their Daddy's arms, knocking him over, like lion cubs to their momma.  This short film plays on repeat in our hotel room until bath time.

If you've been hanging out here awhile, you know that our family loves to travel.  Kevin and I love exploring new places alone and with our littles. Each trip brings with it new adventures and challenges.  

Kevin had a conference this week in Denver.  He loves having us tag along when we can, so we decided to drive out instead of fly and spend an extra day after his conference concluded.  Three months ago when I was planning this trip, I was giddy for some time away from the farm and chores.  Summer is beautiful on the Trail, but brings lots of extra 'to dos'.  As the trip grew closer, I was dragging my feet to prepare for it and actually dreading it just a teeny tiny bit.  Because I knew an eight hour road trip with the littles (especially Lily) would be hard and I knew packing would not be fun and I knew they probably wouldn't sleep well, which meant that Kevin and I probably wouldn't sleep well. And honestly, it just sounded easier to stay home.

But, I packed diapers and wipes and clothes and swim gear and our double stroller that takes up almost the entire trunk and a cart load of Trader Joe's snacks and we made the trek across Nebraska to Denver.  

And, friends, it was so worth it.  

It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but we have made memories on this trip.  Good memories.  Maybe Luke will remember and maybe he won't, but Kevin and I surely will never forget.

I won't forget Luke and Lily running from Kevin in the tiny hotel room with pure joy radiating from their little bodies or the way Luke's eyes lit up when he saw the Big Boy train at the Forney Museum of Transportation #bejealous or how Luke and Lily both cried relentlessly during their first nap in the hotel room or the nights after the kids went to bed when Kevin and I collapsed and binge watched Downton Abbey or the trip from you-know-where to IKEA with Luke and Lily alone.  Okay, maybe I will try to forget that last one.

Traveling with toddlers is hard and exhausting and fun and miserable and the best, especially when they conk out at the end of a long day.  We haven't made the drive back, yet, so don't hold me to this, but I just know we will be planning our next family getaway very, very soon.

The Days

"Everybody watch."  My little Luke is balancing on a short, wide wooden railing that goes around a raised garden bed on our deck.  He has a big grin on his face as Kevin and I turn to look at him.  He walks across the railing and jumps triumphantly off when he reaches the end.  He goes on to repeat this about 36 more times throughout the afternoon.  

It's summertime and we spend most of our mornings, afternoons, and evenings outside on adventures or in the baby pool on our deck.  This just happens to be a Sunday afternoon and Kevin and I are both home lounging on chairs watching Luke and Lily splash and make things float and throw flowers in the pool.  Lily pulls up a kid-sized chair, sits on it, and lets her feet dangle and touch the water.  She laughs and looks at us to receive a smile.  Luke dunks his watering can into the cold water and pours it out again.

These are the days...some would say.  I am going to have to agree with every grandma that tells her granddaughter to 'enjoy these days' or 'you will blink and they will be grown'.  Summertime is full of memory making opportunities and I don't want to miss a thing.  There is nothing better for me than watching my darlings play with my feet up and a cold drink in my hand.  It makes it even more relaxing when the outside chores are done and Kevin and I can just sit, relax, and give our babies our full attention.

When my sweet boy says "Everybody watch" my eyes will turn to him so I don't miss his prideful walk or his not so elegant dismount. 

Life is good in these moments, on our deck, in the heat and I definitely think these are the days.